I FEEL YOUR ABSENCE...

On November 19, 2008, between 3:00-5:00 am, my grandmother was murdered at our home in Manila. There 5 very young men involved, one of which was our Muslim next-door neighbor. The oldest was 23 years old and the youngest was 14. I cannot tell you however how they did it, because it’s just inhumane and too gory of a picture to be put in your heads. They are animals and they treated her like one. They took her jewelry and what little money she had. I found out days later how much money they tool and I realized that that was almost the amount of what I had just sent her for her birthday 12 days ago.

I was at home the night I found out, I just had dinner and then I saw my cell phone ring. It was my tita Ayie, oh no, I thought. She only calls me when she had missed a call from me or when my lola is in trouble; and I didn’t call her that day. I was so afraid to answer; when I finally did I heard her crying. “Bian…Bian…. Pinatay nila si mamang…. Wala na ang lola mo!” then I crashed. I crashed on to the bed, collapsed on the floor within Jino’s arms. Words cannot describe how painful it was. I was hysterical; I was crying m lungs out, shouting. My worst fear had just come to life: my lola dying when I’m not with her.

When I answered, I must say, I thought something bad happened to lola. When I heard my tita cry, I thought my lola is in pain or maybe, she’s dying. But there was a big difference hearing her say “pinatay” as to what I was expecting “namatay”.

One of the guys confessed the day after the incident. He was our neighbor. And I think he pinpointed all four of his friends and now they have all five of them in custody. They made their sworn statements. But now, days later they seem to be retracting all of what they said. Somebody must’ve told them how to talk in front of the media. Now it’s all over the news that they were “coerced” to confess and that my lola is a “Muslim hater”. I know what they’re doing. They’re turning this into a freaking hate campaign. Trying to garner sympathy from people. But you know, even that were true, that doesn’t justify them killing an old woman. The media even added one more ridiculous thing to the story; illegal electric connection. Weeks ago, I was told that the Meralco Company came to our street with the police to check up on the cable/electric connections. They believe one of those illegal tappers were our neighbors. And now, they’ve somehow linked that to my lola’s death. That maybe she tipped Meralco about their illegal connection. Again, even so, that’s not to justify what you animals did. And for the record, she did not such thing. And she or we are not a Muslim hater.

I feel bad for my two titas who were at home when that happened. They woke up to such a scene. It must’ve been terrible. Right now, I know they are torn as to what to feel. They are lucky to be alive but also extremely hurt and angry at the cost. My relatives across the world are in despair right now, most of them are sad and some are just plain angry. My family and friends are worried about me, because they know how I would respond to such news. I haven’t gone to work since Wednesday. I was lola’s little girl, she took care of me when my mom had to work. She brought me to school and waited for me until I finished, she gives me candy when my mom specifically said not to, we watch afternoon drama although I couldn’t stomach Daisy Siete anymore [I watched ALL of the seasons], she let’s me go on my ‘gimiks’ late at night without telling my mom, she cooks me my favorite meals even without prompting her –there are so much more I’d like to share with you about her but I’m afraid I will never stop reminiscing if I don’t end it now.

I’d like to think we made her happy all these years. We took her out on Sundays after mass; we ate at different restaurants for breakfast and lunch [she likes that]; we’d watch action movies and if there are no action movies, I can pick the movie myself and we’ll let her sleep inside instead. At times we had no money to do all these things, but somehow we found a way just to give in to her tiny ‘luhos’. And when she has the money, she takes me out; yes at the age of 86 she takes me out, we watch a movie, dine out and go shopping for clothes. 3 years ago she could even go to Baclaran or Quiapo alone commuting on a weekday. Months ago she could still lift a bucket of water from our backdoor to our front door to water her plants. She was going to the market alone every week and she would just complain about the heat and that’s it. She was amazing. I recall watching Superman with her at the Robinson’s Place and we were both so, so astounded at the movie. She paid for that movie that night, she also paid for dinner. It was one of my happiest moments alone with her.

I love you, lola. I don’t know how to live knowing we can’t be together anymore. Everyday is a struggle now. I will forever miss you. I’m afraid that when I grow old I will forget you; that I won’t have sufficient stories for my children anymore. That’s why every night I try to recall how you laugh, how you yell, how your high-pitched voice annoys my mom and my tita, everything. You will always be with me, even before, you always have been. Thank you for being always so proud of me. For telling people what I’ve accomplished. I know you tell your friends and even your favorite market vendors about me. And I will always remember that. You know, I wanted to go back home two years from now and leave this life right here, even if it made our lives, your lives there a bit easier. I wanted to give it all up because I wanted to be with you sooner. My heart is broken, lola. No one can mend it, not even time. I love you and I will miss not talking to you… but I’ll see you soon.

To my friends: the reason I wrote this is because I’d like you too hear most of the story from me. The media is making it impossible for me to believe them now. Especially TV Patrol. They released such a story that made my lola look bad. Creating motives that they believe could justify the crime. It’s not true.  But our focus is to have those five murderers locked up without bail. We will not stop until justice has served us. All I need from all of you now are prayers. I need people to pray for her and my family. And if it’s not too much to ask, we also need masses offered for her as well.

As for me, I’m still not okay but I think I’m better. It’s hard to close my eyes at night therefore leaving me sleepless. She was my only grandmother. And she was my mother when my mom was working hard to make a living. I have to thank all my friends and family who called me and made sure I was okay. I know you’re worried but please know that I will be okay. I didn’t watch the news nor did I read anything. I know you’re afraid that me being away, I might run in to news like those already written. I’m going to be fine soon. Jino’s taking good care of me here. He feeds me and he makes me laugh. Don’t tell him I told you but he’s singing the Backyardigans’ theme to me and mocking the dance routine of Tyrone and the gang. Bless him for making me laugh. I love you, hon. Thank you for everything.

I pray for my family for strength and guidance. I pray that everything goes well with the case. I pray that the media will stop this nonsense. I pray for justice. And I pray for my lola. I used to always pray for my lola’s safety and now I’m praying for peace. May she truly rest in peace.